One Year Later

Sunday is Father's Day and this year it also marks one year from when I originally shared one of my most honest and open hearted posts to date. A post I had sitting in my draft folder for months, almost years.

By opening up my heart and letting my fingers do the typing it's ultimately helped others.

Others I didn't know would need it.

As the months go by I watch the boys grow up into tiny humans with ears that tend to not listen and I yell more than I would like to. With summer approaching and our windows are wide open I wonder what the neighbors must think of me.

But I don't care,
I want more.

More kids.
More chaos.
More lives to worry about.

I still open emails from strangers; some not so strange, girls I went to high school and college with, some from a mom group I'm in. They thank me for my post a year ago and how it's helped them find peace between the pain.

Lately many families I watch on YouTube have been struggling with miscarriages. It breaks my heart, makes me think back to a few years ago when I was them.

I don't know if I can say I'm 100% pass everything because as I find myself obsessing over having another baby, tracking ovulation, thinking of names, I also find myself envisioning us right back in the ER room. I'm scared it could happen again, perhaps further along this time.

But this fear will not cripple me, it will not consume me.

In 2011 I got the words Lebe für heute [live for today-in German] tattoo'd on my back left shoulder. A constant reminder that tomorrow is promised to no one and that every day can be filled with happiness if you allow it to be.

I'm not sad this day happens to fall on Father's day this year, it's almost liberating in a sense. Jerek is the dad I dreamed about marrying. One who loves his kids and family with his whole being. While I'm scared it could happen all again, the risk is worth the payoff. Life can be challenging and really fucking hard at times. Secure your helmet tightly on your melon, put your best foot forward and press on. When there is an obstacle in your way you figure out how to move past it. It may take some time but always keep moving, keep living for today.

xx chels